Mark September 22, 2020 will be my 50th “golden” birthday. Looking back is not so easy because I might have forgotten things that I wanted to remember at one point. Is that really golden, precious, rewarding, or a beginning of anxiety. I’m not sure if I will feel excited or scared or both.
Emotionally, I don’t feel 50 because I still feel young deep inside of me. I always say that I still remember my “debut” or 18th birthday. I’m still trying to be young at heart. I love young romance movies and I still get tickled when a young boy fall in love with a pretty girl. I love it when my girls’ friends who are between 18 and 27 years old are at our house having fun. I love to listen to the way they talk and converse, and I feel like I’m part of them though they don’t want me to so I just head upstairs to my room and listen to their screaming and laughing.
Physically, I am not sure actually because of the muscle pains here and there which reminds me…I’m not getting any younger. I tried to be fit at one point, I was so proud of myself because I did boothcamp and Zumba, but now I’m not sure if I can do them again because I hurt and get sore so easily. When I get up in the morning, I need to pause and stretch because I couldn’t walk without hurting my feet, my back, my legs….etc! Then I would be reminded that yes, I’m aging.
Sometimes I would feel depressed thinking that I cannot turn back the time. What’s done is done and I should be looking straight forward for what is ahead. The days of my past has been colorful, meaning all sorts of colors. Red, yellow, gray, white, black…moments of laughter, moments of despair, moments of hope, and moments of discouragement. There were days that I had wished to die and would rather disappear because of unpleasant memories. Times where I felt like I’m not worth anything. Days that I’d fear to face the world because of darkness surrounding me.
If not for my family and God, I would not be here anymore. They are what I live for. Hard as it may seem, life should go on. Though I feel like I was not a worthy child to my parents, wife to my husband, and mom to my kids…I needed to move forward. I needed to face every challenges life may give me. Every morning, I would ask myself…” ok, what would this day be like?” Days are full of uncertainty I would think. Would there be surprises? Would there be chaos? Would there be exciting news? Let’s wait and see and face them as they come along.
I would always ask myself, was I a good mom to my children? I felt like they just grew on their own and I was just in the background. I felt like I have nothing to be proud of their accomplishments because I was just there when they need me. A spare tire when they cannot handle things. I felt like I didn’t fight for them at school when they’re oppressed or I didn’t argue with a teacher when they get undeserved grades. I didn’t even participate in PTA’s, and didn’t attend to any activities, or didn’t even make friends with their friends’ parents. I felt like I just do what they ask me to do, and didn’t suggest any significant actions on some situations. Most days I felt like they didn’t want me to be a part of their exploration. That they can handle things on their own. When they have new friends or co-workers, I felt like they’re not proud to introduce me to them. What did I do wrong? Am I this ugly, or didn’t I appear as professional, or do I look uneducated? I don’t know. I just sit there and wait if they will want me be a part of their social life. But it’s ok. As long as they are happy and I didn’t ruin them…it’s fine with me. If they need me, I will always be here. If they don’t …. I’m still here, in the background watching them flourish.
My parents are what made me…me. I love them to pieces though I’m not sure if they see that. Like my kids, I just watch them flourish as elders. I’m so thankful that they are active and thriving to be amazing people. I’m thankful to God that they were able to come here in the US to enjoy life and be successful emotionally, physically, and financially. I don’t know what they would have been if they got stuck in the Philippines. Life there is tough. I know I’m not able to see and call them as often, but I know they’re ok coz my sister takes care of them. They would not know but I can say this… I am me because of them and how they raised me. Our life when I was growing was not easy, but they inspired me how they tried everything to give us a decent life. They have been ridiculed, and oppressed at some point, but they remained humble, quiet, and thankful. They just embrace what life would throw at them.
I’m turning 50 and life is golden. Everything I am now, is a product of what God has done for me. He may have allowed darkness that I may see His light. He picked me up when I was at my lowest. He made me realize that I cannot run my own life away from Him. He allowed me see my weakness so I may see His strength and power. I’m so thankful to God for my husband most especially because he came to my life for a reason that God only knew from the very beginning. The 26 years of our marriage has been very colorful…again, very colorful, from bright to dark colors. But I can proudly say…it has been very bright since I came to realize that real love from heaven that God has placed in our heart is not what we would have made it….but God! I owe to God what our journey has become. He showed my very eyes how He intertwined all our circumstances from the time I met him till now. And I would not have changed any of them.
My parents, my siblings, my husband and my children…they are my life. At some point of my time, I thought, what happens to them if I die tomorrow? I felt like they would be a mess without me! But NO…they would be fine because it’s not me who made them to be…it’s God! With or without me, they will all be in good hands because God is our maker. He designs life so perfectly. I am just an instrument, an icing on the cake from God’s kitchen. I’m happy to face my golden life. I’m excited to face the new challenges God has for me as a wife, a mom, and soon to be a grand mom!
God is good ALL THE TIME! Remember, bright or dark times….God is designing your life the way it should perfectly be. And He never commits any mistake.
He put music in my soul from the day I was born… and I will keep singing for Him and for the people around me for as long as I have air to breathe.
I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being.